3 Tips for Thriving in the New Year Post-Divorce
New Year’s can be an emotionally triggering time for many of us – especially if we’ve recently gone through a divorce. After over-indulging in big holiday meals and an abundance of sugary treats, we tend to take a critical look at ourselves – a practice which more often than not involves some pretty harsh self-talk and judgment – and set resolutions for the upcoming year.
And there’s nothing inherently wrong with the setting of intentions part. (In fact, if you’d like some constructive tips on how to set and keep your New Year’s resolutions, I’d encourage you to check out my article, “On New Year’s Resolutions: Why They Commonly Fail & How to Slay Yours This Year”).
However, if we haven’t measured up to the goals or expectations we’ve had for ourselves from years prior, it can feel rather unpleasant to acknowledge our present circumstances in light of the “failure” they might represent for us.
I know that I personally struggled with feelings of shame during and following my own divorce. I was only in my twenties and had been married for less than 2 years when things fell apart, and the New Year’s holiday seemed to shine a huge spotlight on the negative emotions and judgment that I felt (even though that judgment was largely self-imposed).
It seemed as if I’d regressed on the path to my goals. My ex and I had originally been thinking we’d start trying to have kids in the upcoming year. But instead I was finding myself single for the first time in nearly a decade and wondering if I’d ever end up having kids or a family of my own.
When we feel like we’ve failed or strayed from the path we’d envisioned for ourselves, it can seem daunting to toss the map aside and move forward into the great unknown – even when that’s what would serve us the most.
But therein lies the beauty of January 1st: It’s the perfect time to discard any of those musty old maps you’ve kept lying around that aligned with your now-outdated-goals and instead begin charting a new course for yourself and laying claim to your future.
Since it symbolizes a resetting of the clock, New Year’s presents us with an opportunity to be reflective, to look to our inner compass for guidance, and to set intentions around what we want. There’s actually a power to the process of checking-in with ourselves, assessing how the last year went, and envisioning what we’d like the upcoming year to bring. And that power comes from our intentionality.
When we approach our lives with intention, we become a force to be reckoned with.
So how can we approach this New Year’s with greater intentionality and set ourselves up to thrive in the upcoming year? Here are the 3 tips that have been most impactful for me each New Year’s, particularly post-divorce:
1) Seek to LEARN.
Make an effort to learn from what you’ve been through. Be intentional in setting time aside to reflect on the past year in particular. What did the last 12 months teach you?
If you went through a divorce, what did you learn from that relationship or its ending? What have you discovered about yourself?
Most importantly, I’d encourage you to compare and contrast: What did you expect or want to have happen this past year <versus> what actually happened?
Examine that gap with a critical eye, because you have the chance to learn so much from it. What did you miss? What were the reasons for the disparity between what you wanted or expected to happen and what actually unfolded? What can you learn and take away from that gap to inform your upcoming year?
Engaging in this retrospective exercise will arm you with far more information and power in approaching the upcoming year and setting your intentions for it than you would get from merely listing your goals for the new year without first looking back at and learning from the year behind you.
2) Be GRATEFUL.
Appreciate not only what you have, but also the people in your life – and regularly thank them!
This may come naturally to you, but if it doesn’t, I’d encourage you to cultivate the habit of expressing your gratitude to others. Giving thanks where it’s due starts with having awareness, so make an effort to recognize those to whom you owe a debt of gratitude.
You can kick this process off right now by considering:
Who made a contribution to your year that you really appreciate?
And have you thanked them?
If not, try to find a way to do so – whether over the phone, via email, in a hand-written thank you letter, with a gift, or in person. But strive to thank the people who were most impactful to you this year.
Who do you want to spend more time with or get to know better in the upcoming year?
Have you told them?
If not, I would recommend letting them know because doing so can tee that up to happen as well as enable you to have a powerful bonding moment with that person.
In our busy culture, it’s very easy to skip over expressing our gratitude. But being more intentional and making an effort to be grateful in this way can serve to deepen our relationships with others.
3) Get CURIOUS.
Approach the process of reviewing your past year and envisioning your upcoming one from a place of curiosity. Give yourself the mental space, safe from judgment, to explore and get introspective.
If you can make this experience a playful one, even better. Consider inviting friends to join you in this exercise and share your intentions for the next 12 months with one another.
Instead of putting pressure on yourself to accomplish your intentions for the new year, allow your goals to be inspiring and light in energy. You want them to naturally pull, attract, and excite you (as opposed to you having to push or force yourself to achieve them).
Take note of any areas where you could benefit from leveraging coaching, mentorship, or some other form of support that could help empower you to achieve the items on your list. We have a much better shot of operating at our highest level and becoming the best possible versions of ourselves when we’re willing to accept help from others. So don’t try to go it alone!
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As a final point, remember to look forward to the year ahead and whatever it might hold for you. No matter how rough the past year may have been, life is a gift, and we owe it to ourselves to make the most of it.